


All Your Scars

by lonelyshadow



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Amusement Parks, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Child Death, Depression, Erik-centric, Falling In Love, Family Issues, Hospitalization, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Mute Raven, Nightmares, Past Relationship(s), Piano, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-20 07:41:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4779092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelyshadow/pseuds/lonelyshadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a second suicide attempt Erik is placed in a mental institution. In the beginning he suffers from depression and refuses to leave his room. When he finally decides to follow his doctor’s advice and start talking with other patients, he meets Charles, young, hopeful man, who visits his mute sister in the hospital reading to her and playing the piano.<br/>Deep conversations about the meaning of life and shared moments filled with gentle piano music and Charles’ melodious laughter make Erik fall for him harder and harder everyday. After months with Charles he finally regains the will to live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [waitfornight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/waitfornight/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This story, especially the beginning, is incredibly depressing so if you're dealing with depression or even feeling a little bit down you shouldn't read it. Seriously, my mistakes will break you and the plot will kill you or make you want to kill me so... feel warned.
> 
> I'm not kidding!
> 
> Also, this work is dedicated to the one and only waitfornight. She's an amazing person and I would never even start this fanfiction without her support! :3

 

Deep, impenetrable darkness of the night had closed in its ominously cold arms the last glimmer of daylight. Erik was alone, lost in the middle of the ocean with no boat or any other thing that could help him to stay afloat. His thoughts were so chaotic and meaningless that he couldn’t remind what brought him there. His heartbeat increased in the moment he realized that he was on his own, left for dead. Why was he so terrified anyway? That was what he wanted - death.

This time there was no time to meditate on it because suddenly Erik felt an inhumanly strong grip around his angle. Whatever it was it started to drag him down into the water. In the clutches of horror, he managed only to take a deep breath before his whole body was submerged. That was certainly not the way he wanted to die. He already had a plan, more than one, actually,  but all of them had a common denominator. His death should be the one last thing he could decide about. Erik frowned and started to fight with the unknown force  that still didn’t give up on drawing him deeper and deeper into the darkness of the ocean. He looked down, still trying to break free but the water seemed to be replaced by some kind of dark, opaque substance that reminded him of ink. The last thing he saw before the liquid blocked his sight was an ugly, scrawny hand with black, bony fingers tightened around his ankle.

It can’t be real. _Please..._ Erik thought to himself and suddenly felt like all the strength leak out of his body. The water started to fill his lungs painfully as he tilted his head back, hoping to see the last sparkle of light before the darkness consumed him forever.

 

* * *

 

Erik opened his eyes drenched in sweat, breathing heavy in a strange bed. Light of the day seeping into the room made his eyes burn as if they were in flames. The shining white walls with their ability to reflect light didn’t make it any better. He sit on the edge of the bed and squeezed his eyelids closed. It took him a while to calm his breathing. While he was still trying to pull himself together scraps of memories started to come back into his awareness like snippets of the movie.

He had had an argument with Azazel - his only friend. Erik really couldn’t tell why this guy had still stayed by his side for all of these years since they finished college. It wasn’t easy to be his friend, it couldn’t be even pleasant unless he was a sadist. Anyway, the same day he visited Janos, who was experienced with only one thing to be honest - drugs. Erik felt that it was his chance. He planned it for a while and after the first unsuccessful suicide attempt he perfectly understood how low was the risk that this time doctors won’t bring him back to life. Janos had to say how much he should take to be sure of the effect. He continued to tell him about everyone’s personal limit but Erik was ready to take enough to cross every possible border, just to be sure that it would work. Something went wrong. Janos failed or someone managed to help him in the right moment (for them, not for Erik), because Erik did everything just like he should without a moment of hesitation. That was his decision and it seemed only one person in the world could not have a respect for that.

“Azazel…” He murmured covering his face with hands. He was torn between anger and despair. All he could think about was the fact that person  he had valued the most just betrayed him the second time in such an important moment-his last. It all was just too overwhelming for him. He clenched his fingers in his hair, his regret slowly turned into rage, the feeling suddenly able to devour all the less intense emotions, which were still smouldering in his unfortunately still living body. All of he wanted was just to escape from them, from a cage made of his own madness..

Then the door of his room opened to show a red-haired woman in a white doctor’s coat and makeup way too strong for her delicate facial features.

“Good morning, Mr. Lehnsherr. Welcome to the Brightlake Mental Institute. My name is Amelia Voght, and I’ll make every effort to help you feel better. You can just call me Amelia. We’re like one big family here.” The woman said with a smile that made her voice sound soft and friendly but by no means it didn’t helped her to create any kind of connection with Erik. She took a chair standing by the door and placed it in front of his bed.

 _Mental Institute…_ Erik repeated in his mind realizing that this place is, in fact, a lot worse than a usual hospital. The thought that Azazel probably closed him in a loony bin was the only thing that made him mad but, like everything else, his madness was his private matter.

“I don’t care what kind of mess it is. I have some unfinished business that certainly will make me feel better without your “effort”.” He hissed through clenched teeth, still angry at his friend, and got up from the bed on his bare feet. The floor was cool beneath them, like he was trapped in an icy prison.

“We both know what this unfinished business really is. I can assure you that suicide won’t make anything better. Let’s sit down and talk for a moment. I can help you.” She asked without losing even a bit of the undisturbed serenity in her voice. Erik turned the gaze of his slate-blue eyes to her face. He hesitated for a moment, looking for any hidden intentions in the doctor’s eyes, any sparkle of insincerity or shade of doubt. In such a case she must be stupid to believe that she could help him or a really good liar. Good enough to convince herself to her own lies. Erik took a deep breath and came back to his previous place on the bed.

The woman smiled pleasantly as he did and started to ask him questions concerning various topics. Sometimes it even felt like some of them were completely not related to others. The doctor asked about his family, childhood, work, relationships, any diseases, feeling of hopelessness or anxiety and sleeping problems. Erik answered all of these questions patiently and truthfully only because he really believed that after all of it he will be free, on his own again if he does. Luckily for him the questions were quite simple and mostly not inconspicuous so while answering them he was also planning his third, hopefully lucky, try to break free from deep, boundless agony and life long disappointment which was without a doubt his existence. Relief. That was his reward. It was the main path of his thought until he heard the last question.

“How long have you had suicidal thoughts?” The woman asked with serious expression but as softly as before. It was even possible that he heard a hint of concern in her voice. Erik paused for a moment and lifted his gaze to meet his doctor’s eyes.

“Can we just stop right here? I don’t really feel like talking about it now.” Suddenly he felt like the last drop of the additional energy that he had gained after waking up from another nightmare, stream out of his body to finally disappear. There would be no such questions if he was dead now, but he wasn’t. That was the best a proof of how pathetic he was after failing another time at such a simple thing. How worthless was a life of a person who couldn’t even the one last time take control of his life without a fail.

“Oh, of course. I think that in the next three days we will get you a room in an open part of the ward so you could socialize with some other patients. Before that though, you will start seeing your therapist, Dr. McCoy.”

Erik narrowed his eyes. That wasn’t what he had expected.

“No. I don’t have time for this.” He desperately ran through his mind with an intention to find something that could make the doctor think that he didn’t fit here, that he was as healthy as her. Anything. Maybe a little plan for the future, not so distant so she could easy buy it. “My friend is probably worrying about me. I was going to visit him today.”

“Your friends can visit you here whenever they want.” The woman smiled getting out from her chair. “And if it comes to Azazel he did look really concerned when he appeared a few minutes after your arrival. I think he will appear soon.”

She took the chair and set it back where it was before sending Erik a smile that was without a doubt her way to say that he was caught lying. Erik hoped he hadn’t blushed. That was the moment when Erik had to admit that tricking people working here won’t be as easy as he thought. On the other hand, they had a right to keep him here against his will only for an observation which in turn was necessary only if he threatened his life. It could be a piece of cake.

 

* * *

 

Between white walls of the isolation ward time was passing in completely different way. Minutes felt like hours, hours like weeks and as a result Erik felt as if he was locked there for ages. Azazel didn’t appear to visit him. Erik didn’t expect anyone else. He had no friends, no family, not even a girlfriend. Creating social relationship has never been his forte. To be honest, he had no one besides his only friend. The rage that bursted out in him when he find out what he did to him was already a history. Laying here alone and playing with an apple, that was a part of his lunch, tossing it up and catching it falling, made him apathetic and silent. His body felt pretty much as numb as his mind. Empty silence wiped out all of his emotions. He was no longer angry, distressed or broken. He just was. Blank like the walls of the hospital room. His eyes were wandering through a smooth surface of a cruelly white ceiling when it started to get dark. Wrapped in a blanket of his blissful apathy, he was just existing until the night took his consciousness away and involved it into another nightmare.

This time he was falling into darkness, or more like his body was falling. Erik took a position of collateral observer watching his limp body speeding down through the dark space and a whistling air between its limbs viciously hurt his skin. Erik couldn’t feel the pain it caused to his body but the longer it lasted the more clearly he could heard a plink of many tiny, metal objects falling with him. It was no longer the air hurting him. Instead of it razor blades were sliding and slicing his skin, the blades leaving thin, red lines where they slit his body. Still on the sidelines, Erik watched as the blood came spilling onto the ground.

 

* * *

 

Three days finally passed. Each of them was almost a perfect imitation of the previous one. Erik wasn’t interested in talking about his emotional state with Dr. Voght so when she showed up once per a day he let her sit by his bed as long as it took her to realize that he’s not going to tell her a word of his childhood story or nightmares that woke him up in the middle of the night almost every time he closed his eyes. There was always a moment when she gave up and left. On the fourth day in the morning he was ready to leave even before breakfast time. He knew it was the day when he had to meet with Dr. McCoy and and come back home. There was a last portion of energy in him for that. Only for that.

 

* * *

 

“Good morning, Mr. Lehnsherr. I see what we have here…” Dr. McCoy, Erik’s therapist, was nothing like his colleague, Dr. Voght with her whole palette of disturbingly sweet smiles and the placidity that radiated from her every time she came to see Erik, her unruly patient. McCoy seemed to be honest and concrete. He ran through Erik’s medical documentation cursorily while he was sitting in a comfy armchair, wearing a pair of hospital velcro strap shoes and a clean, bottle green sweatshirt. Laces and striking designs were enemies of the hospital staff. Once, again, he had an impression that his body is beyond his control, which made him feel a strange, disturbing tension.

“Depression and a suicide attempt.” Dr. McCoy read out loud  adjusting glasses on his nose to look straight into Erik’s face. “Are you going to try again?”

“No.” Erik answered in an instant. He truly believed that saying what McCoy wanted to hear will help him get out of here and forget about the teasing white of the hospital walls.

Dr. McCoy concentrated his gaze on Erik’s tensed face in silence as if he was waiting for something more but when he realized that there will be no explanation for this decision he reached for a document on his carefully organized, oak desk and laid it in front of Erik with a pen.

“Sign it.”

“What is it?” Erik frowned and reached for the papers.

“Consent to treatment.”

His hand stopped halfway to its destination. Erik narrowed his eyes and gazed back at the doctor’s face.

“Is that a joke?” He asked, his voice full of irritation.

“I’ve been a psychiatrist over 10 years. I can recognize a lie when I see one, Mr. Lehnsherr. You need my help. The sooner you realize that the better it is for you.”

Erik looked down with a feeling of humiliation, which didn’t help him believe in himself if he couldn’t even make up a proper lie. He hated himself. Really, but now he couldn’t even find enough force to demonstrate it and every moment in Brightlake made him feel weaker and weaker.

“I’m not going to sign anything; not signing that document confirms I can go back to my life.” He said shoving the papers along the desktop toward his therapist.

“Of course, but let me explain something.” Dr. McCoy leaned to him at the other side of the desk, interlocking his hands together. “As long as you pose a threat to your own  life we can keep you here for your own safety. Dr. Vought and I are ready to help you get better, but it won’t work out if you don’t trust us. We can release you from your pain. It’s possible. All we need from you is your trust. Think about it. Is your life truly something worth to come back to if you just decide to give up on it? We can make it all better.”

Erik’s eyes wandered to the papers once again, just on time to see Dr. McCoy moving it subtly back to him. Erik felt torn and panicked. On the one hand he still disbelieved that anyone was able to help him, but on the other hand, McCoy let him taste a forgotten sweetness of hope, which Erik had missed for long years eaten by a bitterness and endless internal lament. Old visions of past happenings flashed through his mind. His mother’s peaceful smile, her soothing touch on his shoulder, her calm voice. The cheerful face of his first love, Magda. Their wedding. The first cry of their son and sudden crash of metal at a crossroads that brought him back to reality. Erik squeezed his eyes shut, regretting that the white room’s magic couldn’t reach him here and turn off his emotions.

“Mr. Lehnsherr?” the Doctor asked doubtfully.

Erik swallowed the sour taste of his memories and spoke up, trying as hard as he could to keep his voice from breaking.

“You don’t understand. Some people are just meant to be dead. It’s the only solution,” He reached for a pen and left a neat signature on the document. “Soon enough you will find it out if you continue to insist on meddling in things you should have no control over.”

After that Erik rose from the chair and rushed to the door.

“Mr. Lehnsherr, Our session is not over!” McCoy called after him but his answer was only a bang of the door threw closed.

On the way to his room, Erik couldn’t pull himself together. His heart was pounding madly, giving him a strange, painful feeling as if it had been  dead for a long time but now the hot blood rushing inside felt like heat making frostbitten skin come back to life. His thoughts were running through his head incoherently, becoming another thing he couldn’t control. It brought to his mind an article in a psychological magazine he had read a long time ago, describing the pink elephant, according to which the avoidance of thoughts on a specific topic causes those thoughts appearing in your mind even more often than normal. If you try not to think about the pink elephant it won’t leave you alone.

Erik sighed. Apparently, he should have been more interested in psychology.

 

* * *

 

Later that same day, a nurse appeared in his room and helped him to move into an open part of the ward. Stepping through the very long corridor he slid his gaze along caledon and lavender blue walls, which was a pleasant break from nagging white that had given him a headache last morning. Other patient’s rooms were located one next to another. Some doors were closed, others left slightly opened. While Erik was passing one of them, a dreadful scream attracted his attention. Through the crack in the door he managed to see a skinny woman with a mass of bedraggled locks sitting on her bed and trying to tear them out with her bare hands.

“Take them away! Take them, please! They’re in my hair!”

Erik stopped for a moment, a few meters from her door to keep a safe distance but suddenly the woman stilled and her eyes flicked open to met Erik’s gaze.

“Please, help me!” She whimpered brokenly.

Erik stepped back automatically as another nurse in company of two other men in white coats slammed into the room. The woman started to cry even louder than before. Erik saw her being forced to lay flat on the bed, her wrists embedded into leather straps while a nurse took a syringe filled with a pellucid substance.

“Mr. Lehnsherr, come with me. We’re almost there.” Erik heard the other nurse’s urgent voice calling him from the other end of the corridor. He turned his pale face away from the dreadful situation, feeling the sting of anxiety piercing his mind.

“I’m sorry but this is some kind of mistake. I don’t fit here. I’m not insane.” He explained nervously to the nurse when he found himself next to her again.

“No one is insane here. They are just people with problems like you.” She answered glibly as if she had said that thousands times before, and opened the door of Erik’s new room.

Before he managed to see anything he was surprised by a young, ginger man that suddenly blocked his line of vision. He was really thin, even more than average but his energy surplus gave the impression that he could be in many places at once.

“Hey! How are you? They told me you will come! I couldn’t wait to meet you! I’m Sean. What is my new best friend’s name?” He threw out the words with the speed of light. Erik was in daze. He needed a lingering moment to figure out what was he talking about.

“Erik.”

“Oh my God! Erik, I used to know one Erik in college. He was totally awesome guy. The king of every party and a star of our football team.” Sean slapped him joyfully on the back, making Erik straighten up abruptly.

“Brilliant. Sean, show your new roommate over the ward, will you?” The nurse asked and, as it was easy to guess, the redhead took it with a great enthusiasm. A few minutes later the nurse disappeared, leaving him in the madman’s hands. Erik followed him all the way until they reached some kind of recreation room, which also served as the day room. He stopped to listen his companion’s relentless stream of words even before they left their room. His hope for a little tad of peace was apparently another reason for the fate to roast him. It didn’t seem to be something that it was possible to get used to.

Erik took a look around him. The common room was filled with light and quiet sound of an old TV set. People were busy only with enjoying their own soothing activities. Two middle-aged men were playing chess in the central part of the room, a woman with a book was lost in her own world in front the window, a group of other people encircled a small table intently gazing at some cards in their hands. Erik’s eyes slid across the room,looking for something that could help him survive in this specific environment, then he saw it. The piano made of black wood with decorated with golden ornaments. His eyes opened wider and for a moment all he could see was this beautiful treasure. Slowly, he took a few steps toward the piano and let his fingers skim across the keylid. His thoughts drifted back to the time when he had been a little boy enthralled by a mellow music flowing from under his mother’s hands as she played for him. When he was old enough she started to teach him and shortly after that playing piano became his greatest passion. He had abandoned it the day he left to start college. Since that time he’d never thought about it and, in that very moment, when he stood by the greatest companion of his childhood it appeared as very strange to him. Playing piano has always been the thing that used to give him the greatest amount of pleasure. It let him wander in the depths of his own mind and safety return to reality, without feeling the touch of darkness that absorbed him now, every time he wanted to try it.

Erik’s fingers were itching to feel the keys and let the music fill his veins. He desired that forgotten feeling. The feeling of pleasure that he couldn’t experience for many years. His hand found the edge of the keyboard cover and he pulled it up to see the keys but then he found a nasty surprise awaiting him.

“It’s closed. Nurses have the key. Don’t even ask them. You won’t get it.” Sean said bursting on his thoughts.

“Why?” Erik asked, pain seeping into his voice. That certainly wasn’t his intention.

“Can you imagine a band of psychos playing it all day long? Come with me! I’ll introduce you to Alex and others.”

Erik grimaced at his words. There was some truth in them but he simply couldn’t reconcile to another lost hope. How was it even possible that after all those disappointments, he was still such a fool to think that hope could bring any good. In the end it was always gone and all that left was a deep wound in its place.

Erik’s gaze moved from the piano to a woman sitting right next to him. She was sitting motionlessly in complete silence with her blue eyes staring unblinkingly into an empty space. He didn’t notice her before.

“Hi,” Erik said and even if he was going to add anything else Sean was quicker one more time.

“She’s mute. All she does is sitting like that. It’s been that way for like, 10 years or something.”

Erik gazed at her in wonder and waved his hand in front of her eyes. No reaction. No even a single blink.

“Come on! Don’t waste your time on her. I know what you need. Let’s play cards with the boys.” Sean grabbed his arm and pulled him further, but Erik was already fed up with becoming another toy for the freak. He wrenched his arm free and took a large step back with an angry expression on his face.

“Can’t you understand that I’m not here for your stupid games!?” Erik shouted and in the same moment felt ashamed with his own reaction. He looked away and turned back to his roommate. “Just leave me alone. We won’t be friends.” Erik whispered angrily and that was the last thing he said to Sean that day. The look that the ginger wore was enough for Erik to want to kill himself all over again. Or maybe that was just that recurring that was always nagging at him in the back of his mind.

Overwhelmed by the new reality that was his life, Erik came back to his room and spent the rest of the day in solitude. Until the late afternoon when Sean came back to ruin Erik’s little comfort zone built with silence and memories of days that he had spent on planning his death. It was hard to admit that he could find peace in suicidal thoughts but that was the one familiar thing he could find between the hospital walls.

Sean found Erik in his bed and started to describe his whole day unmoved by his earlier outbreak of fury. Erik was glad the whole thing was behind them.  The fact that Erik didn’t ask him about it and didn’t even seem to listen wasn’t a problem. The redhead talked for ages about people and happenings Erik didn’t know and, to be honest, he wasn’t even sorry about that. After relating the story of his hospital life Sean moved to his family and childhood in Ireland. Erik was laying with his back turned to him to face the window. It was dark outside and finally a nurse visited him to turn off the light. Before Erik fell asleep he managed to learn some details about Sean’s first love and high-school adventures.

 

* * *

 

The next weeks in the hospital were acutely depressing for Erik. Most of the time he stayed in his room, barely standing Sean’s restless babble but he had no force to shout at him. The only time of the day when he left his room was the medications time. Erik had a perfect plan to fool Dr.McCoy, Voght and the rest. His goal wasn’t to get better but to prove them wrong, to show that he’s an incurable case, so he cheated taking his pills by hiding it under his tongue. The old ability from his childhood suddenly became useful.

Days were passing by slowly and with every passing moment Erik was getting more and more depressed and tired. He refused to leave his room and interact with other patients besides Sean, who had never been interested in his opinion. Often enough the whole ward got silent as everybody went out to a hospital backyard to taste the fresh air and some outdoor activities. Erik was there only once. A 5 meters high fence stretching along the yard gave him the overwhelming impression of being imprisoned. He spent an hour looking at it with expression of anxiety on his face. Since that time he started to refuse going out. They threatened him with getting closed in the isolation room again for breaking the hospital internal rules, but he knew they won’t going to do that. Dr. Voght was the person responsible for taking such decisions and she seemed to have too much patience with him. It was probably the main reason why Erik was able to maintain the state of affairs for over a month.

Those days he couldn’t handle his own fatigue. It had been a really hard period when he could sleep all day long with only a few frequent intervals of awakeness. Of course, his nightmares didn’t disappear. The only difference was that now he was trapped in the world of his darkest dreams more often than ever.

One day, Erik was woken up by a soft melody seeping effortlessly through a slightly opened door of his room. It took him a few minutes to realize that the music didn’t exist; it was only in his mind. When he finally rose from the bed still wearing yesterday's clothes, he couldn’t help but know that the sweet tones reaching his ears must be a sound of the piano. His heart was hammering in his chest harder with every step he took toward the sound’s source. Then he saw him.

A young, wispy man with chestnut hair slightly curling at the ends was sitting at the piano, his long fingers fondly stroking the keys. As Erik came closer his sight sharpened and he noticed his relaxed body swaying with the rhythm of music flowing from under his hands. Next to the piano there was the woman he had met before that reportedly was mute. She was sitting still exactly like before when Erik saw her for the first time.

Everyone else had disappeared. It was probably the time for outdoor games.

He looked at the pianist but he was still absorbed by playing. Erik decided to sit down beside the woman and listen for a moment to the familiar tones of piano music and in completely strange arrangement. The man sitting at the piano noticed him almost instantly. A pair of big, blue eyes flicked up to him. Erik could count every fleck in their irises.

“Hi.” Erik whispered as he soon he realized that there was a right moment for this.

The man only smiled and dropped his gaze back onto the keyboard without a single word.

That was confusing but something told Erik to keep trying.

“I’m Erik.”

No answer.

That was probably the moment when Erik realized that the man was playing for a mute woman probably not without a reason. Maybe they were friends for some kind of group uniting person with similar disorders. Erik damned the lack of reflection in his mind.

“Are you mute too?” He asked expecting any signal of agreement, a blink, nod or any other gesture. “Or deaf?”

Erik was running out of ideas but then the stranger spoke up.

“It’s hard to talk and play at the same time.” He explained with a soft smile, dispelling Erik’s doubts and still trying to stay focused on playing, glancing once a time at the printed music placed in front of him, on the piano rack.

“Sure, it is.” Erik confirmed. “But you’re doing pretty well.”

“Thank you.” He laughed under his breath. “I used to be better. Now, thanks to Raven, I have a chance to practice more.”

“So that is her name?” Erik laid his gaze on a face of the silent woman between them.

The man frowned slightly in concentration and gave himself another few seconds to finish the piece. As the last strains of the music faded away his eyes finally laid on Erik’s face for longer.

“Yes. She’s my sister. I’m sorry. I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Charles Xavier. Nice to meet you, Erik.” He beamed at him and stretched out his arm for a handshake. After that Charles started to sort his sheet music.

“So are you a new patient? Why aren’t you outside with others?” He asked. 

“I don’t like… people.” Erik grimaced focusing his gaze on the papers rustling in Charles’ hands.

“Well, you’re rather crappy at avoiding some of them or Raven and I are some kind of strange creature from an undiscovered galaxy. That would explain a lot.” Charles laughed silently.

Erik turned his gaze to Raven once again. He studied her blank, emotionless face for a moment before he spoke up again.

“Do you think she’s listening?”

“Of course. That’s why I play for her. When we were kids she loved to hear me playing or reading my stories. I think it had pretty much to do with the fact that I chose to be a writer. I believe she hears everything I say. One day she will get better and then we’re going to visit all of the beautiful places I showed her in my books.”

Erik could practically see the hope and confidence feeling Charles’ eyes as he was talking about Raven. He really believe there was a chance for turning his dreams into reality. After 10 years of playing piano and reading books in the hospital he’d never lost his hope. In Erik’s eyes it was incredible... but also very naive.

“They say that nothing has changed for ten years.”

“Twelve. We’re here for twelve years.” Charles smiled faintly to his own thoughts but searching for happiness in his smile was vain. Finally, he turned the gaze of his unusually blue eyes back to Erik. “I know what it looks like but I think she needs me. When I come here and make some plans I know it brings her a little bit closer to being healthy. Once she told me that she won’t let me travel around the world without her so I’ll wait for her. I know she would do the same for me. We just need to prepare. Hopefully, I’m not crazy.”

“Actually, you’re the most normal person I’d met since I got here.” Erik breathed in in the same moment his mouth stretched in a smile and  warm, pleasant sensations spread through his body. He couldn’t recall when was the last time he had been feeling like this. It was exciting and disturbing at the same time.

Charles studied his expression for a moment and finally let a soft smile light up his face. It only intensified the pleasant feeling in Erik’s body.

“Do you play?” Charles asked, already making a room for Erik on the piano stool.

They spent some time enjoying classic piano pieces that Erik started to bring back from his memory as he stroked the smooth surface of keys or striking them sometimes. Charles mostly observed Erik’s fingers dancing on the keyboard. It seemed to have an unusually intimate charm. Several times he managed to get involved in that wonderful act of devotion but Charles didn’t even seem to be aware how close he was to Erik in those moments, not physically. It was something way more deeper. Erik was almost sure that no conversation was able to provide them such an intimacy.

When other patients came back from the hospital yard it came out that Charles was a friend with almost each of them. This fact brought him a little disappointment that Erik couldn’t rationalize away. He heard him talking and laughing at Sean’s dumb jokes. His laughter was so bright and cheerful, so beautiful and Erik could only listen how it fill up the whole room with everyone’s ears ready to hear him. He couldn’t explain why but it made him feel awful.  

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Erik.” Charles said before leaving and suddenly the nasty feeling disappeared, leaving room for a huge urge to make tomorrow come instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god! :D So you got here!? I'm so proud of you, dear reader! Let me know if you like the story.


	2. Chapter 2

When the lights went out and the whole ward was immersed in sleep. Erik could only imagine joining other patients in their sweet journey through the land of an abstract fantasy. His eyes, though tired, couldn’t stay closed after sleepless hours obliging him to move continually from side to side in his bed. He felt too drained to go to sleep. Exhaustion was playing him like a puppet creating images in his mind.

The man sitting by the piano, who Erik could barely see because of blinding light pouring in from windows behind the piano, making the room lit up like the surface of the sun. After a while, he finally managed to hear the melody that the man was playing. The strange, gentle melody, familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, was like a soothing scent of home, something that everyone used to know and love in youth but after long years the content of the memory was lost and the only thing that left was a familiar sensation of solace. Undeniably beautiful but at first a little bit alarming.

Suddenly, Erik felt a dull ache in his temples. In that moment he realized that he was no longer in his bed but in a place closely resembling the main corridor in his ward, but much brighter. The pain was too strong. Erik clenched his teeth and closed his eyes trying to lean against the wall but he wasn’t able to stand anymore. A deafening whistle in his ears swallowed the sound of the piano bringing Erik to his knees.  

“You can let go.” Erik heard a soft voice, felt a warm touch on his shoulder and in a second the pain muffled. He knew who it was.

“Charles.” He whispered weakly. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Yes, you’re right and that’s why I’m not here. I will see you tomorrow, remember?”

He opened his eyes to stare at Charles in disbelief.

“I know you’re in pain, and this pain is killing you, so don’t worry you can let go, drift off, fly away into a better place where nothing hurts, but if you do it tomorrow will never come.”

“And we will never meet again.”

Charles nodded, looking still so peaceful.

“I want to meet you. I need it…”

“Then survive your nightmare to see me tomorrow.”

“I’m not sure if I can.”

“It’s okay, I will hold your hand.” Charles smiled and surely caught his hand before his mind drifted away into the arms of a nightmare. However, this time Erik didn’t let his own demons torture him all night long. He fought escaping from pain and he knew it will work because someone was watching over him.

 

* * *

 

“Erik!”

Someone shook Erik’s shoulder, forcing him to open his eyes.

“Erik, wake up! You slept through breakfast and Dr. McCoy wants to see you. I don’t know, man, but for me it looks like you’re getting called on the carpet.”

Erik grimaced and turned to the other side. Morning talks with Sean weren’t one of his favourite activities. It didn’t matter what time it was if he had barely opened his eyes.

“Tell me it means that I’m fired.” He murmured into a pillow and closed his eyes in hope to see Charles’ smile just for a moment but instead of that he felt a burden on his legs.

“You wish! Or do you? I thought getting fired was a bad thing.” Sean laughed apparently, starting to feel more and more comfortable on his bed. “Anyway, better go for your pills first.”

Erik had to choose between being crushed by his not very subtle roommate or definitively abandon his warm bed and get his ass to McCoy’s office, which was actually not a choice at all. Especially since none of these things seemed to be pleasant.

When Erik finally met with Dr. McCoy he started with a casual conversation about Erik’s hospital experiences and feelings about being a patient, but it quickly went in a dangerous direction when he started to question Erik about his past. They had to finally reach the hardest period of his life and for Erik it was much too soon for such confession but he still had that voice in his head saying:

_Survive. Survive your nightmare, Erik._

The meaning of those words was apparently much deeper than he thought at first or maybe he just wanted to believe it. Anyway, it worked. He took a deep breath.

“It was a spring afternoon, my son’s 9th birthday, so we planned a party at Magda’s parents’ place. Basically it was my idea, she preferred to stay at home but I insisted, saying that it would be a good idea. Pietro loved his grandparents, after all.” Erik narrated his story clenching fingers into a fist under the desk.

“I took them to the car and headed to the countryside and suddenly a truck just… it appeared out of nowhere on the crossroad. Magda was taking photos. I was distracted and… and I didn’t notice it.” When Erik finished the story he felt completely broken and couldn’t believe that he exposed himself that much to someone he barely knew. Reopening old wounds didn’t seem to be an effective therapy to him.

Dr. McCoy didn’t let him out until he made sure that everything was okay. He was so proud of Erik, and said that he’s stronger than before and on the best way to happiness, but Erik didn’t feel like it. He was flabbergasted, staring at the doctor’s face, still wondering what gave him so much strength to say it out loud for the first time in his life.

 

* * *

 

Even several hours after that session he was still unable to sort things out in his own mind, full of fear and doubt that he couldn’t get rid of. Erik felt also like the sense of guilt elicited by haunting memories, slowly tightened its fingers on his throat. His teary eyes stared at the ceiling as he was back in his bed. He tried as much as he could to focus on anything that could make him feel the addictive flavour of hope. The thing was a perspective of meeting Charles.

Anyway, that was still a bad time for any other visitor to see him. Regardless of that with the corner of his eye Erik noticed a tall figure standing on the doorstep.

“Hi.” The man said doubtfully and his familiar voice made Erik frown.

“I brought you some food, clothes, books and magazines.” He continued as there was no answer to his greeting.

“Get out, Azazel.” He finally said but didn’t move his gaze from the blank point in the ceiling even for a moment. Then he saw Azazel getting closer to his bed with a big, black bag in his hand and suddenly felt overwhelmed by a wave of rage and hatred that forced him to raise from the bed and stand with Azazel on an equal footing.

“Are you fucking kidding me!? You’re the one who locked me up in a motherfucking madhouse before I’d been even able to make that decision myself and now you dare to show here like nothing happened!?” Erik lost control of his emotions. That was too much for him. He felt his arms inching to grip around Azazel’s throat. What  difference it could make? He was already imprisoned.

“Erik, don’t be a fool. I wanted to help. You clearly needed it and let’s face the truth. You would never come here asking for help. You’re too proud for that.” Azazel said equably dropping the bag on Erik’s bed.

“And why the hell couldn’t you wait and ask me that!?”

Azazel frowned.

“I know you, Erik. I’ve known you for so long. Maybe even too long. I can’t stand watching you mortify your body, killing yourself. Did you ever think how I feet about it? I don’t want to see your pale, lifeless body on a dirty floor in a junkie’s den again! I’m desperate! I don’t know what to do with you anymore! That’s why I called them!”

Erik felt his heart beating rapidly and adrenaline raced through his veins. There was no chance for a calm conversation. His body was almost trembling with rage and it was only a matter of time before his fist shot towards Azazel’s face. The man staggered backwards with the force of the blow, barely staying on his feet. He discovered blood trickling down his face touching as he touched the gash and looked down on his hand. When he moved his gaze to Erik he was already close enough to clench his hand on Azazel’s arms.

“You fucking egotist! And you call yourself my friend!? I don’t need someone who isn’t able to respect my free will and see me only as a burden on your shoulders! Get out of here! I would rather gouge my eyes out with my own fingers than see you again!” Erik screamed out shaking with rage.

He didn’t manage to add anything before a man in a white uniform appeared in the room out of the blue with a nurse who put a needle into Erik skin as the man immobilized him.

“You traitor!” He shout fighting until the very last second when his body felt defeated by a crippling warmth. His vision blurred, voices drifted away and the reality was swallowed by a strange darkness.

 

* * *

 

When Erik opened his eyes again he was back alone. Fortunately, Azazel was gone and it didn’t seem like he was going to come back soon. If his wounded pride wasn’t enough, then caring Dr. Vought will probably do her best to explain that he should wait with a next visitation some time for Erik’s good. Erik could almost hear her telling him that bullshit. He started to think about the specific words she would use but then he realized that the room he was in wasn’t his room that he shared with Sean. There was only one bed here but the room didn’t look strange to Erik, at all. White walls, one small, barred window and  the lack of any unnecessary furniture spoke for themselves. It was the isolation room.

“No… No, _NO_!” Erik jumped out of the bed and rushed to the door. There was no handle on the inner side so he could only bang on the door and hope that someone will have mercy on him and let him out. He knew that isolation was a consequence of breaking hospital rules but he had never experience it the hard way. They’ve only threatened him, but it never turned out into something real. To be honest, Erik had never even cared if he was going to be closed here or there, but now something changed. As long as he was kept under lock and key in the isolation room he couldn’t see Charles. He needed it so desperately. The thought about their meeting has been filling him with hope since the moment the left and promised to see him again.

“Come on! I didn’t do anything!” He shouted through the door. “Let me out!”

No one answered him and that state of things didn’t change for hours. Erik couldn’t accept another failure, another sparkle of hope ripped out of his heart with a new piece of it irretrievably lost. He couldn’t do anything so he just slid down the wall to the floor and started to gape blankly at the sky behind the window, as it shined with the many colours of sunset and finally darkened. Erik lost the sense of time. He couldn’t tell how long he had been sitting on the floor before the door finally opened and Dr. Vought came inside searching the room with her gaze until she found Erik on the floor completely shattered.

“You’re a warrior.” She said softly, but Erik didn’t even react. It was obvious to him what was she aiming for.

“That’s good.” Dr. Vought smiled and Erik moved his gaze slowly, as if it weighed a ton, to the woman’s face and studied her for a moment without understanding.

“ What do you want? Hear me saying that I’m sorry? You should have come sooner for it. Now, you ruined everything. I shouldn’t have signed anything.”

The woman smiled slightly and crouched gracefully next to him in her white skirt. It looked dull in comparison to the walls. Erik stared at his hands instead.

“You’ve made a good decision staying here, but it’s not the only one you need to take on your journey to getting better. Look, Erik. You have to let us get closer to you. You signed the papers, but you’re still closed off from our help. I hope you understand why did you spend last hours here. I’m sorry but there will be no more warnings. You’re going to take your classes and start seeing the support group tomorrow.”

In an answer Erik only looked away to escape Dr. Vought’s gaze. He knew that this time he crossed the line.

“Now, you’re here on the same basis as other patients, but don’t worry. It means only that we’re all equal here. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” She said and rose. While she was leaving she left the door open but Erik only turned his face away and pressed his cheek against the cool surface of the wall. There was no more running, but the feeling of regret over the decision of staying in this place didn’t seem to stop chasing him.

 

* * *

 

Next day his life in the hospital changed significantly. It started with a breakfast in a hospital canteen with Sean and other patients.

“Today it’s going to be sunny. I remember in my family village, there was a lake near my home and in summer there were always mind-blowing views.” Sean was treating him with stories from over the lake for about twenty minutes. Meanwhile, Erik was flicking his gaze across other patient’s faces. Most of them were talking quietly in small groups, others ate their food in silence… happily. Erik noticed also a young man with shoulder length, straight, brown hair and a nurse sitting in his table and watching him eating, which must have been annoying in Erik’s opinion.

“Why is she staring at him?” He asked Sean, not worrying if he had just interrupted him. Sean had gotten used to it.

“You mean James? He’s an anorectic. Lucky man, he gets points after every finished meal.”

“What points?” Erik frowned fretfully and turned his gaze to Sean.

“You know. The points you collect to get some new privileges. If you lose points you’re going to stay here longer.”

Erik gazed down at his plate in thought. He was entirely aware of the fact that what had been doing since he got here didn’t make him go forward on the scale. The idea of collecting points was ridiculous to him but the vision of getting stuck in the isolation room didn’t sound a lot better. That room scared him with that nagging whiteness that pierced painfully into his mind from every side. Erik wouldn’t be surprised if he found out that some people actually lost their mind just from staying there for too long.

 

* * *

 

Between the breakfast and lunch there was a time for the progress group meeting. Everyone was sitting in chairs set in a circle. When Dr. Vought said that the today’s topic was combating negative thoughts Erik crosses his arms and snorted under his breath.

“Erik! This is totally your topic!” Sean exclaimed drawing everyone’s attention to him.

Hearing that, Erik suddenly froze and gave his roommate a murderous look.

“Why should it be?” He asked sarcastically, hating passionately the fact that for people, two suicide attempts made him a king of negative thoughts, and of course he just loved to share them with others as if they were cookies. Sharing the most intimate parts of your mind with enemies and strangers was so much fun.

“Erik, would you like to tell us about your ways to deal with negative thoughts?” Dr. Vought asked, trying to prevent an unpleasant exchange of views in the presence of other patients. She already knew Erik well enough.

“Yeah! I have some pretty good ways. Drugs are amazing for this. Cutting yourself is messy, but it gets the job done There are so many more effective methods. I just can’t decide what to try next. Wouldn’t you agree, Dr. Vought? I mean, you would know more than me. You see this kind of thing… almost daily, right?” He said with a mocking tone, his cold gaze piercing Dr. Vought. That should discourage her from pulling him into discussions like this.

“There is some truth in this. Suicide makes negative thought go away, but it does the same to pleasant thought and feelings. You must be alive to feel. Otherwise, you won’t be able to feel better.”

Erik gazed at her serious expression and eyes fixed on him while she was talking. He couldn’t fail in noticing that incontrovertibly her theory was logical.

“Alright. Anyone else?” Dr. Vought smiled and slid her gaze along the circle of faces waiting for another person to speak up.

 

* * *

 

Participating in the daily hospital routine turned out to be more tiring than he thought it would be. At 4 pm, there was a visitation hour that Erik had waited for since the morning. In fact, that was the reason why he became Dr. Vought’s puppet and doing all the stupid things that supposedly should make him feel better. What if he didn’t want to feel at all? That thought slapped him in the face when he realized that Charles wasn’t going to come. He believed it. He truly believed that he would show up but why?

Why should he care about me? He doesn't visit Raven everyday. Why did I think that today he will come just for me. Why do I to expect it from a stranger?

Erik just let accusatory thoughts in his mind ruin him for the thousandth time. Refusing to follow Dr. Vought’s advice from the last support group, he was absolutely exposed for their attacks, defenseless. Those thoughts tortured him without a problem damaging the mind that in fact, gave birth to them.

Looking at the empty stool by the piano and Raven sitting alone next to it, he felt all the hatred that he had for this place and for himself well up in his heart. He wasn’t even going to protect himself. His suffering was what he deserved.

 

* * *

 

After nearly two months in Brightlake, Erik felt like a whole year just passed before his eyes. He had already left his previous life behind his back and become an empty shell, a soulless machine following meaningless rules just for a moment of peace and quiet. He promised to himself that he wouldn’t ever be that foolish and weak to fall into the trap of hope again, but wasn’t it his soft spot?

Erik realized that they wouldn’t let him go when they knew that their work wasnt done with him so he decided to adopt different tactics. Instead of proving them that they can’t cure him, he chose to pretend that their therapy works. The one thing he needed for that was his own mind, clean, not dulled with medicine. Fighting stopped being funny a long time ago, instead becoming another boring part of his shitty life. It supposed to be the end. The end of pain, darkness in his mind and dealing with human stupidity. Who said that he can’t fix this with one precise cut through his veins or a handful of sedative pills? It sounded so _easy_ , but every day spent in this place made simple things seem more and more complicated.

When Erik finally came to terms with his feelings and refined details of the plan that probably could help him go home and find  peace, something happened.

After a game time outside Erik came back to the ward and his heart stopped for a second when his eyes reached a familiar figure on a couch next to the piano, with Raven by his side and a book in his hands. Erik took a few steps toward them and the visitor’s bright eyes caught him almost immediately.

“Erik.” He glanced up from the book, brushed a strand of his hair away from his face and tucked it behind his ear. “How are you?”

“Fine.” Erik said and for some unclear reasons, for the first time from a while he actually felt like this.

“That’s glorious.” He smiled and closed the book. “I brought some pieces for four hands. Would you like to try them out?”

There was no need to reaped that question. Erik felt like corners of his mouth slowly curve up into a smile. His body felt so weightless as his legs started to carry him toward the piano. He had made a promise to himself. Any form of intimacy with people might cause another dose of pain that he was no longer able to take. Charles Xavier wasn’t an exception in this case but his attractiveness was definitely _exceptional_. Erik didn’t want to fight it. Sitting on a piano stool with Charles and music overflowing his body, Erik felt genuinely peaceful.

After a few minutes of breathing the music, with the warmth of Charles’ body pressed to his side, Erik managed to appease concerns of last days in himself and moved his gaze to Charles’ svelte fingers stroking keys just a few inches from his. Suddenly he felt an urge to touch them. He knew he could do this but then the piece ended and Charles pulled his hands away from the piano.

“Where were you the few last days?” Erik asked quietly, not even trying to hide the disappointment in his voice.

“I was in New York. My book had its premiere. I thought it would be nice to meet my old friends. We haven’t seen each other for ages, so I decide to stay to the end of the week.” Charles answered him just casually without regard for the fact that Erik was practically a stranger asking about his private affairs.

Charles reached for the book that he left on the couch, next to Raven and handed it to Erik.

“You can keep it as a souvenir. Who knows, maybe one day it will be popular and you will have every right to brag about getting one of the first copies from the author.”

“ _A Promise?_ ” Erik read the silver words from the cover and looked back to Charles.

“Yes. It’s about a boy that gives a promise to his sister and sacrifices a lot of thing to keep it.” Charles smiled and reached to the book, sliding his creamy pale fingers along the edge of a hard, brown cover.

Erik moved his hand hestiality over the cover brushing Charles’ fingertips. He smiled politely but withdrew his hand once again.

“I don’t understand it.” Erik said with a pinch of anger in his voice still fixing his eyes on the cover of Charles’ book.

“What?”

“You don’t really believe she’s going to get better, do you? It’s ridiculous. Why do you visit her so often? You look like you’re feeling guilty even after that short absence. The boy from the book should grow up at last.”

“There is a lot of missing words and torn pages in this story. It’s not that easy to understand for someone, who isn’t a part of it. Maybe one day you will learn more.” Charles replied calmly and laid his hands on the keys again, playing a short, mild [melody](https://youtu.be/w2uXeq0UrWw) from the memory.

Erik blinked, listening to his music. To his great surprise, he recognized the melody and could swear that it was exactly what he heard in his dream a few days ago. There was no way he could mistake it because said dream kept repeating itself every night. Every night was the same. Erik heard this song, then Charles appeared and offered him his deal… surviving the following nightmare for a chance to see him again.

“What is this piece? How do you know it?”

“Hm? I’m not sure. Once Raven brought me the sheet music. I played it and since that day it’s her favourite. Are you okay, Erik? You look strange.” Charles said and stopped playing to focus on Erik’s expression. Only then he realized that he had to look shocked.

“Did you play it here before?”

“Yes, I think so. I play it quite a lot. You heard me? That’s nice.” Charles smiled and maybe Erik started to lose his senses but for a moment he saw the softest blush in the world paint itself on Charles’ cheeks.

Erik cleared his throat before he decided to speak again.

“Can you tell me more about your book? What about the ending? Is it happy?”

“Hm? No, not so much. In fact, I’m not quite happy with this book. I think there is a missing element in the story, but I can’t figure out what it is. Raven would help me if she was able to talk. Her mind has always been full of wonderful ideas.” Charles murmured wistfully, his gaze resting on his sister’s blonde head.

“Maybe you should think about it. You know, about writing her an alternative, happy ending.”

“Hmm… That sounds sweet. Thank you, Erik.” Charles smiled at him pleased with the new proposition.

 

* * *

 

That night Erik read  Charles’ book until 10 pm, when a nurse commanded to turn off the lights. Then he laid on the bed crossing his arms behind his head and fixed his eyes on the ceiling, which became his point of focusing thoughts, the best place to create an idea. After the last conversation with Charles it was quite obvious that the book was telling the story of his life. Raven, named Ray in the book, was a huge part of it. Much bigger than she should be. Erik discovered that she got pregnant with a much older man that her stepfather didn’t accept. Charles promised her that everything would be okay but it ended with Raven being forced to have an abortion. Erik was intrigued by the way that Charles had described her pain, almost as if he was the one who experienced it. His entire life sacrificed to Raven seemed to be enchanted between those pages, but earlier Charles mentioned about some missing details that he preferred to keep in secret.

“How was the book?” Sean asked in the dark. Erik let out an internal groan.

“Good.”

“So when will you lend it to me? I want to read if it’s good.”

“Never.” He rolled over to the other side, turning his back to Sean.

 

* * *

 

Erik left the book unfinished for night but he managed to get through the last part during the breakfast. That was the time when he reached a short but passionate romance of the main character that began to sow a seed of doubt in his heart.

“Who is Jack?” Erik asked the next time when he had a chance to see Charles.

“You read my book!” Charles exclaimed, delighted. “How was it?”

“Great. Who is Jack?” Erik repeated, crossing his arms and Charles laughed jauntily.

“Persistence doesn’t get anywhere with me, Erik.”.”

Erik scowled, but said nothing about Jack after that.

 

* * *

 

No one in the whole ward couldn’t fail noticing that Charles’ visits quickly became the highlight of Erik’s days. Among other social activities, it was the one that could really bring him pleasure. Dr. McCoy and Dr. Vought were especially happy to see their new patient starting to create relationships.

“How do you feel about making friends with Charles?” Dr. McCoy asked him once after seeing them playing piano together the other day during the visitation hour.

It seemed like literally everyone in this hospital knew Charles. Better question was how he felt about that.

“I’m not making friends. We just... meet.” Erik said awkwardly.

“So what do you think it is?”

“Actually, you’re right. It’s friendship. A healthy relationship between two people with similar interests. Oh, Wait! Holy shit! If I can create such a beautiful, healthy miracle of interpersonal relationships, then what am I doing here?” Erik looked straight into McCoy’s eyes with more confidence than he thought he had in himself, at the same time trying to chase away thoughts about Charles’ creamy pale skin, his slender fingers stroking the keys and every pleasant emotion that his presence gave him.

The doctor’s vigilant eyes studied his expression for a while before he spoke up again.

“I understand. We don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready but let me tell you what I think about this situation. You want this relationship to mean something but you don’t give yourself a right to feel it. You think you ruined every valuable relationship because after losing the most important connection in your life, they’ve all become meaningless to you. Now, you prevent yourself from creating new relationships because you still blame yourself for that loss. You think that you deserve to suffer in loneliness and you’ve succeeded, until now. Tell me, what changed?”

Erik listened, his eyes opening wider and wider with every second, because he realized that Dr. McCoy was absolutely right.

“What do you want from me? You already know my past, and what I plan to do in the future. Or. What I might do.”

McCoy looked surprised that he had retracted a statement about suicide, but he didn’t say anything.

“I need you to say it out loud, and I’m pretty sure  you need it as well.”

“He… He’s different. I can’t resist being with him. He’s the one that makes me feel secure and rested, almost like the whole tragedy with my family never happened.” Erik said carefully choosing each word. “But it’s a lie. I killed my family and I don’t deserve a second chance. Nothing will change it.”

“You’re right. Nothing will change it so why are you still trying? You need to move on. Only moving on you will find your way back to serenity. In fact, one step back can be the first step of your journey.”

“No.” Erik shook his head. “I can’t do this to Charles. I ruin everything I touch and he doesn’t deserve more pain in his life. I don’t want to be a source of any more pain for anyone, _especially_ him.”

“I think that it’s too late for doubts. If you’re that emotionally involved in this relationship to put the other side’s feelings ahead of your own, you can’t back out without consequences.” Dr. McCoy said and Erik’s eyes flicked in his direction, opened wide.

He fell silent. Dr. McCoy was probably right or maybe Erik even wanted him to be right. This way he could easily justify his behaviour the next time he would sit on the empty piano stool at three o’clock waiting another hour for a visitor who wasn’t even visiting him specifically.

“Before we finish today I’d like to ask you for one more thing.” Dr. McCoy put in front of Erik a small plastic container with a pill inside.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to see how you take your medications.” He continued, reaching for a bottle of mineral water in his desk cabinet. He set it right next to the pills.

“Blood tests.” Dr. McCoy answered the question in Erik’s eyes.

In that moment Erik knew that he would no longer be able to avoid taking medications in secret. The only person who knew it was Sean since he couldn’t leave Erik alone in his first days. He had to throw the pill away in front of him. After that Erik became his hero and a model to follow, which was simply childish and almost dangerous in his opinion. In fact, Erik didn’t even felt bad now, when they caught him breaking the rules . It was hard for other people to arouse in him that kind of emotions. Only one person here had that ability. That person was worth an effort.

Erik took the translucent vessel in his hand and swallowed its content without a sip of water.

_For you, Charles._


	3. Chapter 3

Erik took a few steps through the hospital yard running his eyes over other patients. Some of them playing basketball to one, old basket, others walking around or sitting on a bench talking to their friends. Erik didn’t really give a shit about any of them. He was looking only for one person and then he saw a small group of other patients gathered around a wooden table and watching with concentration some chess duel between between two guys.

“Everyone, kneel before the new king of chess: Charles!”

Erik heard Sean shouting into the ether and jumping in place while all other watchers started to clap. Cheerful laughter sounding over Sean’s cheerings made Erik’s heart pound wildly in his chest. He couldn’t even tell how he found himself right by the table. His legs had probably found their way by themselves.

“That was totally awesome, man! How many times will you kick my ass?” Sean exclaimed right after the finished game. Charles had to beat him more than once, which didn’t make his enthusiasm fade even a little.

“Come on! Let’s play again. This time I’ll pin you down! You’ll see!” He shouted, not any quieter, if not more loudly than before. Charles only laughed under his breath.

“I’m sure you would do it but let’s give a chance someone else. I promise, next time you will be my first opponent.” Charles said politely. The tone of his voice brought to Erik’s mind a woman talking to her little sweet child, but Charles didn’t have to say it again. It worked perfectly. Sean jumped out from his chair just to meet Erik eyes.

“Hey! Erik, you should try it. Don’t you say you don’t like challenges. Charles is the master of this game. You can’t find anyone better!”

Erik glanced into his roommate’s carefree eyes and it turned out completely obvious that Sean didn’t see how uncomfortable he made Erik feel with his irresistible offer. Who could blame him? Erik didn’t care about his feelings either.

Before Erik managed to say no, he was already sitting in Sean’s place, right before Charles. When they eyes met suddenly Erik couldn’t find his tongue. For a moment, he must look incredible stupid before he realized that his mouth was still open. That’s not a big deal to a normal, healthy man, who can laugh at himself but in Erik’s mind every foolish mistake left a permanent mark, so he could never forget them. How could he forgive himself being so much less than human? Others, they deserved forgiveness not him.  

Suddenly, Erik felt Sean’s hands on his shoulders as his roommate leaned down to his ear.

“He’s smart as hell, but I believe in you. If someone can beat him it’s definitely you, Erik.”

“Yeah, and you’re a pain in the ass, so go hang on someone else if you want me to win so badly .” Erik said pushing away Sean’s lanky body with his shoulder.

“Yes, sir!” Sean saluted and not even a little offended ran to the group of patients playing basketball. Erik gazed after him for a while,wondering how Sean make contacts with others so easy to him. Maybe he was even a little envious of that gift, which his half-human nature didn’t included.

“He likes you.” Charles said. He already started to set the chess pieces on the chessboard.

“I don’t care.” Erik said biting his tongue just before he managed to say anything about how messed up person Sean is. He was even worse and what was he doing? Trying to make such a wonderful human being like him? It was ridiculous.

“Be my guest, Erik. First move is yours.” Charles raised his gaze instantly caught his eye. Erik’s heart skipped a beat. He moved one of his pawn just to escape the look of his perfect, blue eyes. Every minute in Charles’ companionable presence seemed to make Erik weaker and weaker in the battle with his feelings.

Charles only from time to time glanced at Raven sitting on a bench with Dr. Vought, who was cheering on the both playing teams and even it that didn’t seem to be effective she also invited Raven to clap and enjoy the game. Charles’ expression undoubtedly showed how much he loved that view. His heart was still full of hope.

“Yesterday I started to write the happy ending for Raven. I must say that it turned out to be a wonderful thing. Even better than in the book. I wish I could have you by my side a few months ago when I started to write it.” Charles’ slender fingers reached to the chessboard and move one of his pawns.

“Yeah.” Erik dropped his gaze and watched how his knight got taken. He’d never thought about this before but now, after Charles mentioned it, he started to ponder how much his life could change if Charles appeared in his life sooner, before it all started. Suddenly, Erik experienced a bitter taste of sadness. There was a high probability that he could be a completely different person now, less melancholic and sour. He could even be happy with Charles, but that was still unsure. They didn’t know each other good enough to think about it this way but maybe there was still a chance for him. Somewhere, between the pages of Charles’ story or the keys of piano caressing by his fingers. Somewhere in the world.

He made his move.

“It’s truly a shame that we can’t get out of here even for a moment.” Charles said with his eyes still focused on the chessboard when Erik looked at him surprised.

“Wait. Are you saying that you would like to do something outside of the hospital with me?”

“Sure. There’s a summer festival in the local park this weekend. Most of attractions will probably be addressed to kids, like a fun fair, face painting and stands with tons of sweets, but if we stay until the evening we will find something for us. I’d love to go there with you. Maybe it’s just for all of those colors.” Charles smiled slightly to his thoughts, making another move.

“Yeah, but this is kind of... impossible? I’m a prisoner here... patient, whatever. You can call it as you like. All things considered, it means the same thing.” Erik fixed his eyes on the chessboard, feeling a little bit disappointed. He wished his situation was as good as the situation in the game.

“I know. I’m just a dreamer sometimes,” He sighed. “But it’s not a bad thing to have your own world if the real one is just too sad and scary. You can always dream with me.”

Charles reached slowly to Erik’s hand rested on a table top and covered it with his. He was probably still the same person that shied away from Erik’s touch every time there was a possibility for this, but suddenly it was hard to believe that.

Erik moved his gaze from the chessboard to their hands joined together and without a single word he turned his hand around to sense Charles' touch on the inner side of it. His skin was so soft and warm. Erik got an impression that if clouds in sunset photos could be touched it would probably feel like this. Charles’ hand fell into line with Erik’s as if they were missing pieces of the same puzzle, made for each other.

“Okay, beat me and let’s go for a walk.” Charles offered apparently accepting the vision of inevitable defeat much easier than Erik could do with winning.

The sun hung high in the pale blue sky made all of the chess pieces cast a shadow over the chessboard. Suddenly Erik’s free hand reached to them but instead of making his final, winning move he knocked down his king in a gesture of resignation.

Charles’ eyes open widely flipped up to Erik’s face.

“You know you could win, don’t you?” He asked still surprised.

“Does everything have to be black or white? I like shades of grey.” Erik smiled and felt like a huge wave of heat swept over his whole body. It was the most intensive experience of happiness that he had here. The last one was also connected with Charles’ presence so it wasn’t hard to find a common denominator. He just held his hand and that was the most wonderful happening of the day.

When Dr. Vought commanded returning to the ward Charles stopped by the fence and reached to his pocket.

“I brought you something.” He opened his hand in front of Erik’s eyes letting him see a small music player with a pair of headphones tightly wrapped around it.

“You said you have a problem with sleeping, so maybe you should listen to it sometimes before you drift away. It helps with me.”

Erik looked at the electronic device in Charles’ hand doubtfully.

“They took my shoelaces away. Do you really think headphones won’t be a problem?”

“And will you try to hurt yourself with them? I trust you won’t. Just keep it a secret and remember that it’s a instrument of creating, not destructing. It will create you a peaceful area in your own mind. A point between rage and serenity, if you will.” Charles put the player into Erik’s hand and made his fingers close around it.

Charles’ words swirled around in Erik’s mind long after he left.

 

* * *

 

“And how it was? Did you win?” Sean asked later, in the common room. Erik was standing by a huge window, extending through almost the whole wall, his eyes following a tiny figure of a man against the background of the cobbled courtyard of the building moving unhurriedly toward the parking lot.

“No, I didn’t.” He replied laying his hand on a cool surface of the glass, which felt so different in contrast to the warm touch skimming his skin in the corner of his mind.

“Charles is still your master, then .”

“Most definitely,” Erik murmured without taking his eyes off of Charles’ slim form.  

 

* * *

 

When the lights turned off and Sean finally fell asleep, Erik put the headphones into his ears and pressed the play button. Faint, blue glare of a small screen illuminated dark walls by his bed and merely a second later Erik heard the first notes of Manic Street Preachers’ [I live to fall asleep](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-ff5IISK-o) song. He smiled to himself feeling overarching peace.

A little while after that his eyelids became heavy and finally fell down deepening a gap between him and the reality. When Erik lifted them again only for a second snatching out from the clutches of sleep he could swear he saw Charles lying next to him, their face separated only by a few inches. There was still the same, soft smile on his face that made Erik lose his balance. Then he drifted away for good.

 

* * *

 

Friday after breakfast, Dr. Vought found Erik with Sean, Alex and James playing war with cards. It wasn't one of the most entertaining games but still better than staring at bare walls.

“I won’t take up much of your time, boys.” She handed Erik some piece of paper folded in half. “Dr. Hank wanted me to give you this.”

“What is it?” He took the paper glanced at her without comprehension. She was smiling as if she perfectly knew what was coming. Erik curiously straightened the document. The first thing he saw was the official logo of the hospital and Dr. McCoy’s sign. He ran his eyes quickly over the first lines of a short text between those two things and suddenly he couldn’t believe what he was looking at.

“Is that a pass?”

“For the whole Saturday.” Dr. Vought nodded still smiling ready to share Erik’s joy but he was rather more shocked than happy.

“Say thank you to Dr. Hank. You will have an opportunity for this. He wants to see you.”

 

* * *

 

“Maybe I missed something, but where is the logic of giving a pass to the most stubborn, suicidal trash in the ward?” Erik asked as soon as the door closed behind him in Dr. McCoy’s office still wielding in his hand the unexpected gift.

Dr.McCoy greeted him with a wide smile clearly amused. It looked like only Erik didn’t know what was happening and that, on the other hand, was awfully frustrating.

“You clearly didn’t see the most stubborn patient we had here. I decided to gave you a pass for Saturday but you must be back here on Sunday morning. That's the only rule. No trick, no catch.”

“Yeah, but… Wait! Is that Charles? Did he ask for it?” Erik asked still confused but for the first time taking sit in Dr. McCoy’s office so willingly.

“I’m not going to lie to you, Erik. Can I call you Erik? Alright, Charles asked me for a permission to take to the summer festival but I wouldn’t give you the pass if you were not ready. I’m your doctor and I believe you will come back here on Sunday, won’t you?”

Erik didn’t respond. He couldn’t say that he was satisfied with Dr.McCoy’s explanation. His doubts didn’t disappear. How could McCoy trust him that much if he didn’t trust himself?

Suddenly he started to think what will happen if he fail.

He could do this. He could hurt himself here before. There were so many ways to do it. Not to kill, just to make himself suffer as he deserved. Erik had been noticing them all but trying to act as if nothing happened. The rustle of pages in the nurses’ room was driving him crazy, cards, scissors in the room of the art therapy and sometimes even lit cigarettes. Oddly enough, all of those things started to appear around him shortly after he met Charles.

 

* * *

 

In the afternoon of that day Erik found Charles playing piano in the common room. Soft, quiet melody being invented on the spot was calling Erik subtly to meet his friend. He couldn’t fail in following the music until he saw the person who gave it life.

“Hi,” Charles said without a single glance back feeling Erik standing a few steps behind him. “Would you join me?”

“Yeah. Sure, but before that I have a question.”

“Okay, I’ll try my best to give you an answer then.” Charles didn’t stop playing, with his head downcast and eyes focused on the keys. He looked a little subdued.

“Don’t you want to know why I’m here? Why didn’t you ask?” Erik said feeling more and more uncomfortable because of Charles’ strange state. As long as Charles knew him he has been always happy or calm at last but now something changed. Erik stood next to the piano resting his arm on the instrument and facing Charles

“I talk a lot to other patients and I can tell that usually it’s a touchy topic. I didn’t want it to be awkward between us but if you’re ready you can tell me about it.”

“I tried to kill myself.” Erik almost interrupted him with his confession. “Twice. I also have done  some self harm.”

Charles’ body twitched and suddenly a wrong note  sneaked into his perfect composition ruining it in a second. Charles recoiled his hands from the piano and lifted his head to meet Erik’s gaze.

Now he could perfectly see a shadow in Charles’ eyes slowly turning into strange combination of surprise and fear.

“I… I am so sorry for what I said last time about hurting yourself. I didn't mean anything wrong. Are you okay?

Erik frowned and shook his head. If he was okay he wouldn't be here. He already wanted this moment never happened. Looking into Charles’ eyes was just too painful. Erik couldn’t help this sensation so he dropped his gaze, tucked his hands into pockets and headed back to his room.

“Erik!” Charles called after him surprised with his reaction. He was sitting on a stool half turned in Erik’s direction, his eyes open widely and worryingly glistering in the daylight.

“Where are you going? Please, talk to me first.”

“I thought you don’t want to know a suicidal type.”

Charles smiled softly and invited him with a gesture to come closer, which Erik did without a word of objection. He stopped right behind the piano stool and gazed down on Charles’ smiling face placing hands on his shoulder. He was afraid. Erik noticed it even if Charles strived to hide it behind a smiley mask.

“You’re an angel Erik.” Charles said taking Erik’s left hand in a gentle hold. Erik couldn’t understand him at all but Charles continued in his soft voice.

“When I was a boy my mom used to tell me stories about angels. She said that sometimes angels live among people but they are too sensitive for this world. Living on Earth destroys them so they harm themselves to return to heaven.” Charles turned Erik’s hand around to face the inner side of it and roll up a sleeve of his sweatshirt, revealing his secret. “They mark their wrists.”

Erik had never in his whole life experienced such a shame. He wasn’t a type of person who used their scars to flash around but in that moment, when Charles looked at his bare arm, he felt like each of them were suddenly burning with fire. He couldn’t stand it so he quickly withdrew his arm and pulled down the sleeve to hide his scars. Not only from Charles’ eyes but also from his own.

“Your mother has to know a lot about it.” Erik finally spoke up trying hard to pull himself together. It looked like he wasn’t as ready for this conversation as he thought.

“She was an angel too, but she already returned to heaven.” With this simple sentence Charles managed to draw Erik’s attention back to him. He smiled sadly and turned back to the piano starting a new melody. This time Erik could perfectly hear a hope sounding in the air.

“But my theory is that no one is born suicidal and if that’s not your nature does it even matter?”

“So you don’t mind me being... different?” Erik took his place on the stool next to Charles.

“We’re all different in some ways. You’re different enough to become unique but not to be pushed away. I doubt that anyone is.” Charles smiled to him surreptitiously swaying to the rhythm of music. “I really like you, Erik.”

When they eyes met again Erik couldn’t resist answering this confession with a true full-mouthed smile. It was the high time to move on to another thing.

“I’m apparently going to the festival with you tomorrow.” Erik said trying to get involved into Charles’ mild melody. His hands were dancing on the keyboard right next to Charles’.

“I know.”

Erik wanted to ask about the reason of his sadness before but now Charles’ bright blue eyes illuminated the room like the sun showing up in the sky right after a nasty storm. Moments like this were precious. Some people would give away everything to experience it but Erik didn’t have to. He just had it as long as Charles was near.

 

* * *

 

On Saturday morning a small, well-maintained car stopped in a hospital parking lot and Erik saw through a window in common room a short man walking towards the main entrance. It’s been only a few minutes since Erik finished his breakfast but he didn’t need any more time to get ready.

He turned his face away from the window and pulled down his sleeves making sure that they cover his wrists and forearms just like he did ten times before that. He still couldn’t think peacefully about Charles’ eyes sliding over his scarred skin. If that was not enough he also couldn’t handle a feeling of strange tension caused by Dr. McCoy. What if he put his trust in wrong person? He was still so weak. Especially with Charles.

What if something bad were to  happen and Dr. McCoy would blame Charles for this?

That seemed to be absolutely crazy. He had no reason to worry about Charles taking the consequences of his decision. This time Erik wasn’t going to plan his suicide and McCoy must have known about it when he gave him the pass. Unfortunately, Erik still couldn’t trust himself that much. Suicide has been his aim for too long and even if now he was happy and wanted to get through this day alive, he couldn’t deny the existence of darkness in the corner of his mind.

“Wow! You look incredible. And with laces!” Charles joked and his cheerful voice brought Erik back to the real world.

He glanced down at a pair of his leather shoes and smiled. His great day had finally begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don't mind this chapter being a little bit shorter than usual. I'm sorry if that made it less satisfying ^.^
> 
> The part about angels was inspired by a quote found on tumblr. [ You can see it here](tumblr_msi9io9eSE1s95gnqo1_r3_500.png)


End file.
